So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
