Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
