Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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