Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
