That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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