So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
