I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
