at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
