I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
