When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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