Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
