I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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