its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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