thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
