This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think my fart just growled at me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
