There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i will never coherently bang her
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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