I can text with my tongue
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
