just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
