She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
