I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
