Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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