On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Randomize
