I just cut my nipple shaving
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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