She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Randomize
