My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We're too hungover to prance.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
