he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
