I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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