I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
