We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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