I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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