yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
