I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
