Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
