just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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