I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
