Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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