i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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