Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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