Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Panties = found
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