Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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