glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
