i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Four minutes until I can fart!
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Are these your boobs on my camera?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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