2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
40s are totally the cure
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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