Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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