There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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