I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Less talking, more tequila
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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