You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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