"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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