after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He passed out mid-signature
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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