your thong is hanging out like whoa
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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