So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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